When I used to travel to Almeria, all I could do was visualise Dave Allen at the front of the plane instructing us all how to cross ourselves as we were having the emergence exit doors pointed out to us…hilarious! 
His take on everyday events and human behaviour was nothing short of genius.
“Planes are never late, they are ‘delayed’…”
I have that on my wall
Anyone remember the British comedian, Freddie Starr…?
Another scenario is that our hero gets beaten up by the bad guys and then the random character from the saloon shows up, helps him and says “Let’s get out of here”
ALBERT R. ASPARAGUS and HARRY SALT-CELLAR present…
HAROLD STEPTOE as James Bond in…
‘THE RAG & BONE MAN WHO LOVED ME’
‘Harold’ would be too distracted by all the delicious crumpet to get on with the mission …
Rose: Jack…Jack…Jack…I’m so cold…
Jack: Shut up, and stop bitching! ! I’m freezing my nuts off here…! I feel like I’ve got a friggin’ popsicle between my legs!
Jack: “M-m-maybe you c-c-could move over a little b-bit. Seems like th-there’s room for two.”
Rose: “Sharing a broken wooden door together? Don’t you think that’s moving a little too fast? We just met yesterday.”
Jack: “Oh, s-s-s-sure, I u-u-u-understand…”
This got me good 
Clint Eastwood has admitted that if he hadn’t become an actor, his chosen profession would have been that of a Proctologist… “ASSHOLE!”
A mate of mine has just been to see a speech therapist…He has tubble pronuncing his worms.
I think that cyclists who get knocked off their bikes are a real push-over…
People who live in the town of ‘Cardigan’, UK, are very friendly - they are a close-knit community.
I don’t see the point in keeping broken spears…
Knights in Medieval France were reputed to be great lovers - they possessed a passionate A’rmour.
When you are asked what your favourite body part is, never pick a nose…
Poor Vincent Van Gogh, he never paid attention - it always went in one ear and stayed there.
Last night, I heard a drunk singing ‘Three Coins in the Fountain’…His mistake - it was a Portaloo.
The actress, Lauren Bacall, often went out night-clubbing. Her favourite party song was ‘Yes Sir, I Can Bogie…’
Sticky insects, those tape worms…
Dwarfism - I suppose it has its short-comings.
Sight impairment - it’s quite eye-ronic really…
Women who want to get pregnant quickly, have just been prescribed new tried and tested eye drops - so now it’s not just their stomachs that will bulge.
Vets and Artificial Inseminators…they never fully retire, because they like to keep their hand in every once in a while.
And their favorite band is The Cardigans?
A beautician shop in the UK has just rewarded its most faithful customer - by giving her 50 lashes…
World War 2 movies about RAF bomber aircraft sometimes receive a lot of flak…
Courtesy of the multi-talented Peter Serafinowicz.
I’d recommend his entire short lived series … very funny, but alas not commissioned again.
