The police just knocked on my door to tell me that my dog was chasing a kid on a bicycle.
I just laughed and shut the door in his face.
My dog doesn’t even own a bicycle.
3 Likes
“In the school I went to, the kids were tough i tell ya. they asked this one kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window!” - Rodney Dangerfield
4 Likes
Feather-dusters are a must-have in a nudist colony…they are handy for tickling someone’s fancy…
Stevie wonder is a great singer. I love the song he wrote about Zebra crossings …‘Ebony and Ivory’.
Christmas time…what a magical occasion…It wasn’t until I grew up into adulthood that Santa was fully explained to me. I then understood why our roof used to be covered every year in reindeer crap…
‘The Snowman’. What a shame that the little boy sent him to the North Pole to be doctored…
All that was left was a carrot and two potatoes…
Jack Frost at a singing competition: “I only have ice for you…”
Unfortunately, Santa’s little helpers don’t live long - they only have a short (Sh)elf life…
What goes up, must come down…Happy memories of my first date… 
I’ve just been out on a date with a chocolate bunny girl…‘she just melted in my arms tonight…’
The Bible: It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter Heaven…
King Charles is buggered then…
Bread…who kneads it?
I said ‘good morning’ to a Londoner the other day, and was almost arrested for a ‘hate crime’…
What do you get if you cross Islam with an insect…a ‘Mosque-ito’.
The ‘Titanic’…that puts a new slant on things…
You should never tell jokes about climbers and Everest…that puts you on a slippery slope.
The actor, Joseph Cotten, on SWDB - that’s a thread all on its own…
A comedian complained to his manager: “You said that if I did this show you would pay me a paltry amount.”
“That’s right”, replied the manager. “What I meant to say was that it would be a poultry amount…your chick’s in the post…”
Have you heard about the Chinese George Formby…“Eee! It’s turned out rice again…”
Has anyone seen the new ‘Pinocchio’ film…wooden acting if ever I saw it…
‘Bed bugs’…I hope no-one’s been listening in…
I did a stand-up routine the other day…I was on a London tube train…
A new pop group, ‘The Raindrops’, has just arrived on the scene…they’re a right shower…
Jack climbed to the top of his beanstalk and greeted his first giant by saying “Hi”.
The giant replied: “I know I am, short-arse…”
And, finally…Good news. A talent show has offered me a lot of money - not to appear! 
4 Likes
Anyway, must admit that i’m being selfish, by using this topic as a way of ‘preserving’ my ‘so-called’ puns/jokes.
Because of my CFS, (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) - (M.E.), I feel completely exhausted, and knackered most of the time - too bloody frequently recently!.
Occasionally, I come out with crap jokes when I’m at my lowest and weakest.
They had a fun talent show in my area a couple of weeks back…mostly people singing and playing guitars etc.
I wanted to take part, but didn’t, because not only would my nerves have got the better of me, but I also have a low opinion of my so-called humour.
I’ve tried coming out with puns/a play on words when I am volunteering…and even I understand that I must get on peoples tits after a while.
It’s like I’m exhausted most of the time. And then, it’s like a rocket goes off, and my mind wont shut down…and the puns appear.
And then I feel out of it - because I’ve exhausted myself.
Red wine fuels the puns - hence a lot of my crap humour tonight.
Thank you for humouring me with your ‘likes’, and - most importantly - for listening to the ramblings of someone who is 60 next Wed (6th Dec).
Bloody hell!! I still remember watching ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’ on BBC1 in 1976…a time when a voice whispered to me: “There is more to life…There is the Spaghetti Western…” That moment onward was magic.
Shit! … Where does the time go?
Lots of laughs…a smile costs nothing…a frown a lost friendship.
Sorry, amigos, for indulging…
4 Likes
I tried a few hands of cards today - it was a ‘Snap’ decision…
I’ve always had a problem with correct diction - especially when it comes to pronouncing my worms…
A Spanish golfer won the match - he got an ‘Ole’ in one…
What do you get if you cross Charlton Heston with a pyramid and a hearse?
‘Car-tomb’…
The person who invented sliced bread…
They obviously used their loaf…
Regarding the genius who invented doggy-poo bags…
By now he must be rolling in it…
‘Lassie’ is being remade…
I wonder who will be offered the ‘lead’ role?
Why do Norwegians buy the cheapest items they can find?
Because it’s all that they can ‘a fiord’…
Speaking of puddings, I once sampled a ‘Plum Duff’…
That’s the last time that I bend over in a fruit and veg aisle…
Or, as the shepherd commented when he saw the UFO landing…
‘Let’s get the flock out of here…’
A depressed man spoke to his therapist and admitted that he felt like a prick in life…
She prescribed a course of acupuncture.
Whenever life gets on top of you, remember to pay double next time, so that you get on top of life…
I saw two randy dogs fighting the other day…
They were arguing over a boner…
I love mirrors, because they give us a true horror picture of who we are…
This morning I looked, and it was Boris Karloff.
My ex-partner used to vote for labour…
But then she thought ‘Sod This’, and decided not to have any more kids…
I decided to go on one of these Japanese Origami paper-folding courses…
I came out looking like Concorde…
The last time I did a ‘Hail, Mary’, it snowed on me…
A wandering Samurai has just been questioned by police, after witnessing a ‘hit and ronin’ accident last night…
Humpty Dumpty was a notorious prankster…but now he’s shell-shocked, and the yolk’s on him…
They say that liars always get their comeuppance…I think there’s some truth in that.
I’ve decided to diet…but not sure yet what colour.
I threw some herbs into the sea last night, just to prove that thyme and tide wait for no man.
I friend bought me some cowboy boots…she did it on the spur of the moment.
Best to all… 
2 Likes
3 Likes
Censored version of my earlier thoughts…
Trying to wish all a good Christmas, while being fruited by RM…
Happy Days
Someone in UK ‘Royal Mail’ has my ‘LOST’ ‘Pinocchio’ Bluray…Happy Christmas, silly folk!
My Arrow ‘Savage Gun’ has also been ‘lost’ (stolen)…double silly folk…!!!.
Royal Mail…a joke - a band of silly flippin’ dishonest fokers…
Seriously…it takes a lot for me to get riled…but these lemon-sucking, toblerone eating chaps at RM have really rather riled me.
Sorry, for my altered, more polite rant… 
P.S.: Just received my ‘Savage Guns’. box-set from the most beautiful lady postie in existence…she even gave me a hug, in reparation for the lost ‘Pinocchio’
Think I may be in love… 
1 Like
Fun fact: December 28 is basically Spain’s equivalent to April fool’s day. After I smartassy corrected dear amigo @Tom_B who almost fell for a story, I made the same mistake and fell for another one. The language barrier plus the untypical timing for such shenanigans make the internet a dangerous place in such matters 
2 Likes
Why did the baker have dirty hands?
Because he kneaded a poo…
2 Likes
Pretty good there, Tosc! 
1 Like
Thanks, I kneaded a good laugh…
1 Like
The cover art for the forthcoming Artus Films release of Perseo l’invincibile allows for a certain ambiguity of perspective.
9 Likes
Today I randomly remembered this five-second-long cat video. My brother showed it to me once and we watched it quite a lot.
https://youtu.be/1Nttgq99i2Q?si=C3oZgV5P5WxCHNab
2 Likes
You may like these then. They tickled me. 
Also:
And, finally…
1 Like
I need to lose weight, so I’ve just started doing my weekly shopping at a ‘Stationers’.
It’s part of my ‘staple’ diet…
1 Like
1st man: “Do you have vertigo?”
2nd man: “No, I only live around the corner…”
I fancied a laugh, so opted for the great Irish comedian, Dave Allen…a genius from my child-hood who is as hilarious now as ever…He was a genius at observing human behaviour…
1 Like
More people need to see Dave Allen … unique and hilarious. Thanks for posting.
1 Like