This tickled me…love the ‘Rambo’ films (especially ‘First Blood’), and this spoof nails it… 
I love it when the ‘Rambo’ character is going “AHH!” in true Stallone style…
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‘I am not good at sport, and usually lose.’
‘So, today, I played a tennis match against a deceased grouse.’
‘I won.’
‘I think my game was a little off…’
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Forgive me, I’m having a bad joke day…
Did you hear about the mad scientist who combined a nudist with a grizzly?
The result was a ‘Bear Arse’…
I knew a man once…
His father was a pygmy, and his mother was French…
He was exceptional at cooking, but unfortunately he couldn’t reach the top of the stove…
I once knew another man, this time of mixed race…
He was conceived at Monaco, and born at Le Mans 24…
A toupee joke…straight of the top of my head…
A shirt joke…straight off the cuff…
A cow joke…pull the other one…
A cloudy sky on Christmas Eve…
A husband comments to his wife: “It looks like rain dear…”
I put the cat out last night…and not before time, because he was still smouldering from the night before…
Time takes its toll…
And it’s getting more bloody expensive every year, if you ask me…
Politicians are similar to goolies…
they always make a complete balls up…
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Just been offered a chance to appear in a ‘for charity’ talent show coming up in October…, where i live.
Love to take part, but, seriously, there will be people with real talent there…A guitarist, a mime show (nothing to talk about), a ventriloquist who likes to keep his hand in, and a man impersonating Lee Van Cleef by having his head pressed in a vice…
Really, though, I do have a problem with nerves…
I keep getting on everyone else’s…
Today, I’ll will be mostly drinking sour milk, and eating rotten meat and mouldy vegetables…
“I’m having an off day…”
Did you hear about the partially deaf marathon runner who kept wetting his shorts?
His trainer kept shouting: “Pace yourself!”…
A man goes to a ‘Dating Agency’ for the first time, and enquires as to the rules when approaching a lady.
The management advise him that, so long as he is polite and respectful to the opposite sex, then he will have a great time.
Manager: : “Sir, we only have one rule here. You can kiss, chat, hold hands, and generally flirt. But, we must insist that you do not use your tongue at any point in the courting…”
Man: “Why’s that?”
Manager: "Because, unfortunately, we don’t yet have a ‘Lick Her’ licence.
What do you get if you cross a Chicken with a martial artist?
‘Cluck Norris’.
What do you get if you cross the same chicken with John Wayne?
‘Rooster Cogburn’…
And one to finish…
A Spanish climate protester… “JUST STOP OLE!”
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Today, I’m going to be me.
I love curry. I usually go for a ‘Chicken Tarka’…it’s the same as ‘Chicken Tikka’, but a little otter…
I love these Chinese ‘eat as much as you can’ buffets for £12…problem is, they only give you one chop-stick…
I used to be a human cannonball in a circus act…£70 a week, plus mileage…
I got food poisoning last week…I haven’t used it yet, I’m saving it for the wife in a bottle…
When I was out of work I went up to a farmer and asked “Can you use me on the land?”
He said: “No, we use manure.”
Don’t worry, amigos, I wont give up the day job (volunteering)…I know my jokes are shit…
I just want to keep trying so that some may hit the mark, and make someone’s day… 
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This is good material! LOL … especially the ‘Little otter’ joke
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Hah, the one chopstick one got a chuckle out of me. Thought it was pretty unexpected.
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A dyslexic texted the emergency services and said he was stuck in a quarry…
What he meant to say was that he was doing a crossword, and was stuck in a quandary…
Can we make Spaghetti Western memes a thing? I made these with 5 hours of sleep so these aren’t probably that funny, but I hope they manage to spread some positive vibes
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All contributions are always very welcome… 
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I like those last two for sure
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I was lying in bed last night…which is unusual for me because I usually tell the truth…
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The wife bought me a new sweater for my birthday but, when I tried it on, it was full of static electricity. I returned it to the store immediately and they gave me a new one…free of charge.
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W.C. Fields, I’ve always believed, gets funnier the older we get; you don’t really “get him” until you turn 50 or so. This bit, seen about 7 or 8 times in a 20 minute short, has become my go-to whenever I gotta head out into the snowy world.
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“Is it still snowing, Constable?”
“To be honest, I never looked.”
Have you ever tried drinking ‘Galaxy Coffee’?
It’s made the milky way…
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“Shocking…positively shocking…”
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I’ve just written the world’s shortest joke book…it’s a one-liner.
I’m not sure if I have a split personality…I’m of two minds about it.
How do you greet an angel?
“Halo”.
How do ghosts walk a straight and narrow path?
They use a spirit level…
Owners of pushbikes can now use the newly opened ‘Norman Bates’ route…it’s a cycle-path.
Thor paid a visit to his brother. He didn’t want any fuss made, so kept it low-key (Loki)…
Unfortunate air travellers with weak bladders have just started their own airline…it’s called ‘Incontinental’…
King Harold used to enjoy a good party game…
As he joked: “I spy with my one good eye…another bloody arrow!”
If I could be any literary character, I’d be Captain Ahab…he always had a whale of a time…
There were two men in a room.
One man to the other: “Is it dark in here?”
Second man: “I don’t know, mate, I can’t see a thing.”
You can have a great party game with jokes…it’s called ‘Ten-Pun Bowling’…
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I once owned a flea/seagull circus…
I had to get rid of it because it wasn’t up to scratch, and kept crapping on the audience.
What a wonderful day for sticking a frankfurter through your elderly neighbour’s letterbox, and shouting out: " Watch out, missus, the Germans want to invade again…!"
I told a ‘Hindenburg’ joke the other day…it didn’t go down well.
How many church worshippers does it take to replace a broken bulb?
Five…four to pray about it, and one to see the light…
Have you heard about the fantastic new pop group, ‘The Jars’?
Their first staged gig was jam-packed…
What do you get if you cross an astronaut with Garfield the cat?
‘Fuzz Aldrin’.
A mate of mine was knocked over by an invisible car…
I’ll bet he didn’t see that coming.
I saw a lizard zig-zagging in front of me the other day…
Apparantly, it had a reptile dysfunction.
Due to ill health, a manufacturer of savoury snacks has just closed down his business…
His doctor informed him that he had ‘Cheesy Wotsits’.
A lady was arrested for stopping a Formula One Grand Prix race by doing a Salsa in the middle of the track…
She was a lap dancer.
Con-men who sell fake glass…
I can see right through that one…
It has been proved that eight out of five people can’t do fractions…
‘Thor’, the Norse God of Thunder, landed on Earth during a nationwide power-cut and black-out across the whole land.
He grabbed the first mortal he could find, and made mad, passionate love all night.
In the morning, waking up next to his exhausted companion, he proclaimed: “That was amazing, mortal…better even than the fair maidens in all of Asgard. What is your name, that I might proclaim it from Odin’s throne…?”
A voice answered from the other side of the bed: “My name’s Fred, mate…now bugger off because I need to be on the building site by 7…”
Of all literary characters, I’ve always like ‘Frankenstein’…he was a man of many parts.
I told an ‘Oppenheimer’ joke the other night…It went down a bomb.
A breast specialist apologised to his patient for keeping her waiting so long…
“I’m so sorry, madam, this hanging around must really be really getting on your t*ts…”
Pamela Anderson…
Just thought I’d save the bust till last.
On a more sincere, and thankful note: British comedian and legend, Sir Ken Dodd, whom I had the great, unforgettable, honour of meeting, and corresponding with via letter on several occasions, gave me some great advice when I confided in him that I thought my jokes/puns were crap. Not only was he a second to none jester, he was also a very kind, considerate, and caring man.
He said: “Keep going, keep trying, keep at it, and keep your clown face on. Above all, when you are down-cast, always try to put a smile on someone else’s face, even if you can’t put one on your own…
“Never look down, look up, and remember that it takes more facial muscles to smile, than to scowl…so give your face a rest!””
Good words…from one of the nicest, most influential people that I’ve ever had the joy of meeting.
R.I.P. to my spiritual mentor.
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