What would Lee Van Cleef do?

[quote=“Hoover Valentine, post:20, topic:2447”]As the boy is working he begins to sweat. LVC throws the boy a towel that was laying on the counter.

"Wipe your damn face punk. I don’t want my bun to be soggy."


"I want you to know something boy."

The boy says nothing he looks as if is going to cry.

"That was the best damn burger I’ve ever ate in my life."[/quote]

Haha thats classic !

[quote=“natos99, post:18, topic:2447”]Lee van cleef looks around with a crazy look in his eye & picks the boy up by the throat and drags him over to the deep fryer and begins to place his face into the deep fryer the patrons of the burger joint begin to scream with fear… Lee Van Cleef turns around & pulls a gun out and points it around the room

What does LEE VAN CLEEF DO NEXT ???[/quote]

After finishing his burger, Lee pulls out his pipe and has a smoke. Not long afterwards he finds himself surrounded by cops with guns drawn, taken into custody and booked for 2nd degree murder, assault with a deadly weapon, and the misdemeanor charge of smoking in a public restaurant.

The entertainment TV programs and the tabloids have a field day. The National Enquirer runs a gruesome photo with the caption "H.S. student working for college money murdered by Spaghetti star."
Psychologists and psychiatrists appear on “60 Minutes” denouncing the pernicious effects of watching violent and nihilistic Spaghetti Westerns. Blockbuster and Netflix, not wishing a public relations nightmare, remove all SWs from their stores. Amazon follows suit.

Lee’s attorneys successfully employ an affirmative defense, arguing that acting in so many SWs has “bent his brain” so badly that he cannot distinguish right from wrong and fantasy from reality. He spends his final years in an insane asylum.

[quote=“Major Clyde, post:22, topic:2447”]After finishing his burger, Lee pulls out his pipe and has a smoke. Not long afterwards he finds himself surrounded by cops with guns drawn, taken into custody and booked for 2nd degree murder, assault with a deadly weapon, and the misdemeanor charge of smoking in a public restaurant.

The entertainment TV programs and the tabloids have a field day. The National Enquirer runs a gruesome photo with the caption "H.S. student working for college money murdered by Spaghetti star."
Psychologists and psychiatrists appear on “60 Minutes” denouncing the pernicious effects of watching violent and nihilistic Spaghetti Westerns. Blockbuster and Netflix, not wishing a public relations nightmare, remove all SWs from their stores. Amazon follows suit.

Lee’s attorneys successfully employ an affirmative defense, arguing that acting in so many SWs has “bent his brain” so badly that he cannot distinguish right from wrong and fantasy from reality. He spends his final years in an insane asylum.[/quote]

Hahahahahahaha!!! Awesome! ;D

Van Cleef looks at the roger the rabbit photo.

LVC- Okay, I will sign it but you need to sign the register.

Van Cleef pulls a nasty leather bound book from under the table, he opens it places it in front of the kid.

Kid- Sure thing blondie, I will sign your book.

The kid grabs a pen and inks his name in the book, as he pulls his hand back he gets a small paper cut on a page.

LVC- Well kid I think brisco has something to say about all of this.

Van Cleef closes the book to reveal the eye on the cover, it blinks at the kid. Van Cleef begins to laugh as the kid realizes what book he has just signed. The lights in the room flicker and dim, smoke starts to rise from the floor, people scream and try to make a exit.

LVC- Where you going kid, don’t you want your autograph?
kid- No way im out of here.
LVC- Before you go kid I think Brisco wants some sugar.

Bob: Here comes the one two pitch, it’s in the dirt down the third base line. The runner is breaking off of third…
Frank: Oh the ump called it foul Bob, Van Cleef is not going to like this.
Bob: That looked like it came off the third baseman’s foot Frank, so no I don’t believe Van Cleef is either, remember last season? The double header they had with the Rays?
Frank: Oh yeah Bob that was a bad one, they had to land the helicopter in the outfield as I recall.
Bob: They had to land three that time Frank, Van Cleef just got a little out of control.
Frank: I would say so, I hear they are still picking teeth out of the grass up there Bob.
Bob: You know it Frank, did I tell you about that time I ran into Lee in the Nashville airport bar?
Frank: No you didn’t Bob what happened….
Bob: Another time Frank cause here comes Van Cleef.
Frank: Yeah he’s got a bat too, this isn’t going to be good.

Van Cleef points the bat at the third baseman as he emerges from the dug out and walks towards the home plate ump.

Bob: Let’s take another look at the play Frank. The batter hits the ball in the dirt down the third base line.
Frank: What is that Bob? Did you see, yes the third baseman kicks the ball out of bounds.
Bob: Yeah it appears the umpire didn’t catch that.
Frank: You know Van Cleef did Bob.
Bob: The ump and Van Cleef appear to be getting in to it good Frank.

Van Cleef is screaming offensive words into the umps face as he points at the third baseman.

Frank: I don’t think this is going to end well Bob.
Bob: Yeah if Van Cleef doesn’t cool it he’s going to get thrown out of the game.
Frank: To late Bob there it is, Van Cleef has been ejected.

The small minor league crowd begins to boo. Van Cleef stands on home plate looking at the third baseman. The third baseman gestures for LVC to get off the field. Van Cleef tosses a ball into the air and swings his bat. It a beautiful line drive that connects with the third baseman’s face. He falls to the ground screaming in pain. The catcher and the home plate ump grab Van Cleef. Van Cleef spins around and drills the catcher with the bat. The infield seeing two of their men down makes a line towards Van Cleef. Van Cleef’s team emerges from the dug out, the other team follows suite.

Frank: Oh no Bob it’s happening again.
Bob: Yeah here we go again Frank.
Frank: You know Bob in this kind of situation you just have to ask yourself, What Would Lee Van Cleef Do?

  • The opposing team of Van cleef start pulling up there sleeves & start to march over towards him, LVC picks up another baseball bat ( van cleef now has 1 in each hand )

LVC: Come on your commie faggots !

  • as the words “Commie Faggots” arise there is a big bolt of lightning and the ground begins to shake, clouds begin to cover the stadium & it is now Night time.

LVC: What the hells going on here ?

Oposing team member: Ha! its the begining of the end my friend.

  • 3 of the remaining 7 baseball players turn into werewolves & beging to howl at the moon , Lee Van Cleef kicks his baseball bat & snapes it on the ground revealing a “Silver” Katana Sword

LVC: allright you commie faggot werewolves lets go !

  • The biggest Werewolf jumps from behind the remaining baseball players and growls at LVC, LVC raises his Katana sword to the sky and it glares abit of moon light and he thrusts it down into the werewolves Skull

FRANK : Holy shit bob, do you believe what were seeing here today ?

BOB : Yeh Frank, I havnt seen a game like this since Halloween.

FRANK : I’m fucking serious bob !

Bob : so am I …( slow pause) …so …Am …I

** LVC rips the sword from the werewolves head and swings it across Cutting the head clean off, the two werewolves from behind the team give each other a strange look and jump forward…

LVC : I dont know what you boys think your going to do, but good luck to ya !

** one of the werewolves scratchs Lee Van Cleefs chest & LVC gets really mad, he shoves the sword straight through the middle of the werewolf & brings it up to the sky splitting the werewolf in half he stares the remaining werewolf down & the wolf cowars like a scared dog…

LVC : HA so what do the rest of you bitchs think you can do ?

  • The remaining 5 baseball players all turn around & look at each other 4 of the players pull out guns & shoot themselves in the head…

LVC: OH…Kay, wasnt exspecting that ?

  • The very last Baseball players begins to laugh and suddenly has a big cape & grey sideburns & resembles something very similar to a necromancer, He begins to summon the dead players back to life & other skeletons begin to raise from under the baseball course…

LVC: holy shit…

Bob: ok Frank, now this is some crazy fucking shit !

Frank: Yep I think I just came in my pants a little… & shit myself at the same time !..

Bob: ya know frank if you dont mind me quoting you from earlier…

Frank: Sure bob go ahead…

Bob : this is the kind of situation you just have to ask yourself, What Would Lee Van Cleef Do?

Come on guys no one else wants to contribute ? :-X

LVC readys himself for the army of dead that has suddenly appeared before him. More werewolves are begining to appear. Skeletons and zombies continue to rise from the ground.

"In all my years as a baseball announcer, I can honstly say, that I have never witnessed anything like this in my life. This is truly a dark night for baseball Bob."

"Ah don’t be so dramatic Frank. I’ve seen worse in the back alleys of Bangkok. Besides ratings are ratings, and I’m sure no one is changing the channel on their sets just yet."

"You have seen worse than this!"

"Sure have! This one time I was smoking hashish with these two twelve year old prostitutes at a donkey show in Thialand and this midget started to…"

"We don’t need to go into details Bob."

"Oh, sorry Frank. My mind wonders sometimes. Any who, we are definatly in for a good ole’ Van Cleef style throwdown."

"I don’t know Bob, perhaps Lee has bitten off a little more than even he can chew."

LVC takes a defensive stance and holds his sword high above his head.

"Come on you bastards, what are ya watin’ for."

The dead begin to circle LVC. The necromancer lets out a bowel shaking laugh as his dead minions suround LVC. Van Cleef realizes that he is outnumbered but he shows no signs of fear.

"We’ve been waiting a long time for this moment. We have set aside a special place in hell just for you."

"Well…don’t I fell special. You faggots want me, your gonna have to take me!"

LVC spits a wad of tobacco in the direction of the necromancer, it flys through the air hitting the necro in his eye. He wipes the chew from his face and glares angryly at LVC.

"Charge my children, bring me the head of the one they call…THE BAD!!"

The army of dead charge. Three of the dead jump in the air towards LVC. Just before they land on him two shotgun blasts ring out, and the dead that were pouncing are blown to pieces. LVC turns to see were the blasts came from. He looks towards his teams dugout and sees a shadow figure standing infront of a large source of light.

"Bob, could it be, are my eyes deciving me!"

"No Frank, I see it too! It’s…"

The shadowy figure steps into the light.

"Bruce motherfucking Campbell!!!"

"That’s right Bob. Van Cleef’s pictching coach, Bruce “I’ll swallow your soul” Campbell, has just took the field. And boy dose he look pissed."

BC and LVC stand side by side on the field. LVC with his bloody kitana and BC with a sawed off shotgun proped up on his shoulder.

"You took your sweet ass time!"

"Better late than never."

"You ready to party?"


LVC and BC spring into action. LVC starts taking out monster after monster. His blade swishes through the air as blood and guts start to fly. BC leaves clouds of dust in his wake as every blast from his mighty boomstick shatter the dead that are unfortunate enough to find themselves in front of it. After a few minutes of bloody carnage, LVC and BC stand in the middle of a pile of bones and blood. The necromancer, seeing that his army of unholy minions has been defeated, tries one last trick.

"You fools, you can not defeat me! You think this will change your fates! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

The necromancer starts to spin and flies into the air. Lightning is shooting from his body and a large portal starts to open up behind him. Things start to get sucked into the portal.

"Well Bob, it seems like tonight will go down in the record books…Bob…what are you doing?"

"I’m trying to kiss my ass goodbye Frank. I’m not as flexible as I was in my early days."

LVC and BC grab hold of anything they can find. LVC holds on to a piece of pipe that has been sucked up from the ground and BC holds on to second base with one arm and clutches his trusty boomstick in the other. The necromancer spins and laughs, bursts of lightning still fly from his body.

"You see now my power! Behold your eternity!"

LVC and BC see what is on the otherside of the portal. A world of fire and brimstone, people screaming, demons running about, they see the hell that awaits on the otherside. LVC holds tight to the pipe while the base that BC holds on to begins to pull from the ground. BC relizes he doesn’t have much time and decides what he has to do.

"Hey skip!"


"You owe me one!"

BC lets go of the base and is sucked towards the portal. He spins in the air aiming his shotgun towards the necromancer.

"Gimme some sugar baby!!"

The necromancer is startled at the site of BC flying towards him. He lets out a scream.

"Ahhhhh! You dump ape I will…mmmpph!"

BC crashes into the necro and they both go flying into the portal. Just as they enter, a loud boom cracks the air and the portal closes instantly. All the dirt and debris that was flying around in the air falls to the ground. The sky clears and everything becomes calm. LVC slowly emerges from a pile of rubble. He is coated with dust. Police and rescue workers enter the field LVC is led away. Later the next day LVC sits in the living room of his multi-million dollar appartment. He is on the couch drinking some Tennessee whiskey. He has the TV on the news, they are going over what happened to LVC at the game the night before. LVC gets up from the couch and walks to a shelf containing trophies and pictures from his years in baseball. He picks up a pic of him and BC. LVC grins.

"You crazy, big chinned son of a bitch. I owe you one."

He sits the photo back down. He sits back down on the couch and flips through the channels, everyone is talking about the game. He turns off the TV and walks toward a large glass window. He takes in the wonderful view of the city. He sips some more whiskey. Clouds start to part in the sky and a full moon begins to shine down. LVC’s eyes are drawn to the glow. He stares at the moon. Suddenly the whiskey glass crashes on the floor. LVC begins to twitch, he franticly scratches his chest. He tears open his shirt exposing the scratch that a werewolf gave him the night before, it is pulsating.

"No…can’t be…those hairy bastards!"

LVC collapses to the ground. Odd noises can be heard, moans, bones breaking, skin ripping. LVC emerges from the ground but it is no longer the LVC we all know and love, he has been transformed into the most badass looking werewolf the world has ever seen. He jumps out of the apartment window, glass flies all over. LVC plumets to the ground with a mighty thud and then gets up lets out a big howl and then runs off into the night. As the wolfman disapears the screen fades to black and two words and a punctuation mark fill the screen…


Sorry, been a wee bit busy. I’m ready to get back into the swing of things. Let’s fuck some shit up!!

Van Cleef climbs out of the back seat of a Lincoln and pushes the mob of small children and dumb ass fans out of the way. He gives his bag to the bag man.

LVC: Check to bag, no need to look inside.
Bag Man: Yes sir! No need to-
LVC: Look inside. Got it.
Bag Man: Got it.
LVC: (as he points to his eyes and back to the bag man) Good.

Van Cleef gives the bag man a five spot and walks into Nashville International.
He approaches the ticket counter and stands in line a moment.

Ticket Lady: Thank you for choosing to fly with Delta, have you a reservation?
LVC: Im Mr. Cleef, my ticket should be in order.
Ticket Lady: Ah yes Mister Lee Van Cleef. (Types a bit on her computer and the computer makes a beep noise) It seem that you have a J code ticket Mr Lee Van Cleef.
LVC: That ticket there is first class paid in full.
Ticket Lady: Yes I see a first class J code but all of our S code tickets have checked in. You are going to be pushed back to coach.
LVC: God damn it, you look here lady (gives the stare down) I have paid for first class.
Ticket Lady: Mr Lee Van Cleef do you wish to fly? If not these men here can show you where the Greyhound is. (jestures to several security men)

At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?

LVC sits in the airport terminal watching people pass bye. He stares down at his ticket.

"First class, my ass!"

He crumbles his ticket up and angrily shoves it in his pocket. He gets up from his seat and looks around the terminal. He sees a sign that reads: Designated Smoking Area this way. He walks over to the smoking area. LVC is now in the smoking area, it is a small open courtyard area adjacent to the airport. He walks over to a bench and sits down, pulls out a pipe, packs it with some tobacco, and begins to smoke. LVC has a few good puffs from his pipe when a short bald man in a cheap suit walks into the courtyard. The bald man is loudly talking on his phone.

Bald Man
"Don’t wory Frank I’ll be there. This won’t be like that week in Thialand. I’ll make it to the game on time…What!..Oh you sonuvabitch!! Fucker hung up on me."

LVC watches the man as he puts his phone away and pulls out a pack of cigs. The man takes a cig from the pack and puts it to his lips. He starts to pat at his pockets, he can’t seem to find a lighter. LVC whistles at the man. The man looks at LVC.

"Here, catch!"

LVC throws a box of matches to the man, the man barely catches them with both hands he fumbles a bit with them, takes out a match and lights his smoke. He throws the pack back to LVC. LVC cathes them with one hand, his eyes never leave the man as he returns the matches to his coat pocket.

Bald Man
"Thanks buddy."

"Don’t mention it."

The bald man takes a long draw from his cig then exhales the smoke.

Bald Man
"Do I know you from somewhere?"

"Don’t think so, I’d remeber a face like yours."

Bald Man
"Wait a minute…wait a minute…your Clint Eastwood!"

LVC shakes his head.

"No. I’m not Clint Eastwood."

LVC stands up and walks toward the man. The man looks a little nervous.

"My names Van Cleef." (LVC extends his hand to shake) “Lee Van Cleef.”

Bald Man
"Oh…your the bad guy! I remeber now. Nice to meet you Mr. Van Cleef, my name’s Robert. Robert Cockburn. But my friends call me Bob."

"Well Cockburn, What brings you to Nashville?"

"I’m flying out to game tonight. I’m a baseball announcer, mostly minor league stuff."

"Baseball you say. I’ve always enjoyed baseball. Always thought it would be nice to manage my own team."

"You should give it a try, these minor league teams are always looking for people."

"I may try that sometime."

LVC and Bob finish their smokes together. Then Bob looks at his watch.

"Well Lee, I’ve got a little more time before my flight care to join me drink at the bar?"

"Might as well."

Bob and Lee walk back in to the terminal and head over to the bar. They get to the entrance and a flamingly gay man sitting on a stool stops them.

Gay Man
"Ah…excuse me gentleman but this is for First Class passangers only. I’ll have to see your tickets."

Bob pulls out his ticket and shows it to the Gay man. LVC notices that Bob has a S code ticket for the same flight as him. LVC grins an evil looking grin.

Gay Man
"Sir, can I see your ticket?"

The gay man motions for LVC’s ticket. Lee pulls his crumbled J code ticket out and hands it to him. The gay man smoothes the ticket back out and looks it over.

Gay Man
"Ok gentleman, enjoy yourselves and thank you for flying with us today."

Bob and Lee walk in to the bar and take a seat. The bar tender walks up.

"What’ll it be."


The bartender brings over a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass. He starts to poor the whiskey into the shot glass when Lee holds his hand over the top blocking the liquid from the cup.

"Problem sir?"

"The bottle…leave it…and get me and my friend here some real glasses."

The bartender sits the bottle down in front of LVC and turns to get big glasses.

"I like that way you think Lee. Nothing better than getting good and sloshed before a plane ride."

Lee and Bob start to drink and talk, some time passes. As they talk Lee makes sure Bob’s glass is never empty, Lee just sips on his. Bob gets good and drunk. He begins to slur his words. He starts to ramble on about his life and the crazy situations he finds himself in.

"How was I…(hiccup)…supbosed do know she was 15! I’m no fooking…(hiccup)…minebreader."

LVC grins and shakes his head, he pours Bob the last of the whiskey and Bob guzzles it down.

"Where da bafroom…where da bafroom…I gotta take a shittt!!!"

"Outside the lounge in the terminal, across the hall."

Bob staggers out of the bar. LVC throws some money on the bar and stands up to leave.

"Your friend’s pretty drunk. Someone gonna be able to take care of him. I don’t want to get in trouble for this."

"Nothing to worry about friend." (Lee takes some extra money out and puts it in the bartenders front pocket) “I’ll make sure he is well taken care of.”

Cut to Bob as he stubles into the bathroom. He is singing to himself.

"Take me out to da…(hiccup)…ballgame. Tape me out to da cwoud! Buy me some penis and…(hiccup)…crack whore jacks. Maybe she’ll let me shoot jizz on her back."

Bob starts laughing, an older gentlemen washing his hands gives Bob a weird look then wipes his hands and leaves. Bob finds an open stall and sits down to shit. Bob shits his brains out.

"Ohhhhh mommmaaa!! That feelz gooood!!!"

Bob cleans him self off and stands up, pulls his pants up and opens the stall door. He is suprised to see Lee standing in front of him.



LVC gives Bob a wink and then punches him in the face. Bob blacks out.

Cut to Lee on an airplane sitting in first class. He is admiring the plush decour of his seat.

"This will do just fine."

A stewardess walks up.

"Mr. Cockburn, is there anything I can get you before we take off?"

"A glass of whiskey would be nice darling."

The girl blushes.

"Right away sir."

She walks off to get Lees drink.

Cut to a black screen. Screen slowly fades like eyes opening. We hear planes and general airport noise. We see a close up of Bob’s face, his mouth is stuffed with something. He fully opens his eyes and spits out what is in his mouth. We pull back to see that it was a plane ticket stuffed in his mouth and that he has been burried up to his neck at the end of a runway.

"What the…where am…fucking shit!"

Bob realizes where he is. He starts to scream.

"Help! Help! Someone please!"

No one hears him. The sound of an approaching plane begins to build as it gets closer. Bob sees that a plane is getting very close to him it is getting ready to talk off. Bob screams as the plane’s tire comes within inches of his face as it lifts from the ground.

"Damn you Lee Van Cleef!! Damn you to hell! You bastard!!!"

Cut back to LVC, we see him sitting in the plane that just took off smiling through the window, sipping on his whiskey.

Nicely put together…

We see a dark sky with a low hanging fog. A big rig comes jake breaking down the road. An old cowboy dude sticks out his thumb.

Hank: Well my may Bessie (his dog) looks like we got us a rider.

Truck stops and the driver pushes open door

Hank: Need a ride buddy? Were just going up the road a piece to the Flyin J I could maybe get ye that far.

We see an old cowboy hat shake

Hank: Well hop on in. (Bessie begins growl) Bessie cut out that hootin.

The cowboy climbs into the truck. The truck rolls off.

Hank: My names Hank this here is Bessie (still growling, the cowboy does not respond) Well care for a bit of music (turns on the radio) well thats funny cant seem to get nothin but this here static… wait a minute here we go… it’s a -

Frank: fly ball looks like its going to bring the side to a close. That brings us to the 7th inning stretch Bob, here in Cleef Town where the Cleef High Elephants lead the Sutherland High Admirals by a score of 3 to 1.
Bob: You know Frank an elephant will not tell a lie.
Frank: What do you mean Bob have you talked to one?
Bob: Well there was this time at the Bronx Zoo, I said hey elephant, he said what, I said I got a bigger trunk than you. Then I dropped him and let the boys enjoy the vie-
Frank: Well Bob that very interesting while were on the subject of legends lets give the kids a scare.
Bob: Yeah, and it’s brought to you by the Flyin-J Big Rig Travel Center Emporium. What in the hell is this Frank some kind of truck stop?
Frank: It’s where you can satisfy all your big riggin needs but to night we would like to tell you the legend of Barron Van Cleef. Back when the engines road the rails and the cattle drove by thousand there was Barron Van Cleef.
Bob: Yeah yeah heard this one before, went wild with hell mojo and slaughtered the town.
Frank: That’s not actually the-
Bob: I will tell you the legend, they say you see this cowboy freak about this time of year around the Flyin-J AND if you see him well brother just kiss your ass

Hank turns the Radio off and looks at his passenger Bessie still growls. The Cowboy looks up and grins.

Hank: Oh mercy me just don’t hurt poor old Bessie mister sir.

The cowboy points to the Flyin J sign coming up over the horizon.
We cut to the Flyin-J truck stop. There is a waitress in the dinner with a bunch of fat hillbilly truckers sippin coffee and eating bacon and eggs. There is a fag on a pay phone and a couple of whores walking about the side walk near the truck stop showers. A group of punk kids with chains and boards are beating some bums in the parking lot. Hank’s big rig cuts into the parking lot and stop short. Hank jumps out the door leaving it open and the motor running.

Hank: Come on Bessie let’s get to movin that the god damned Barron.

Hank and Bessie run into the dinner. The Cowboy climbs from the rig and looks at the truck stop. A whore stumbles out of the door to the showers.

Twinkle Toes: Hey there baby, had a long hot ride. These showers cool you off a bit. Come on over here, I will show you why they call me Twinkle Toes baby.

The cowboy does nothing

Twinkle Toes: Well what wrong with ya step into the light so Twinkle Toes can have a look at ya.

The cowboy step forward and we see Lee Van Cleef, at this exact moment I ask what would the ghastly Barron Van Cleef do?

LVC steps into the light and stares down the whore. He says nothing.

Twinkle Toes
“Come on baby, I’ll take you in these showers and show you a real good time. Only charge you twenty for the whole thing.”

LVC raises his arm and points toward the showers. The whore goes in first LVC slowly follows behind.

Cut to the diner. Hank has just busted in scarred out of his mind and mumbling nonsense, his dog follows behind.

Hank (thick southern accent)
“The….the….Barron……he’s……he’s…….here. Everyone run for your lives!”

The people in the diner (1 waitress, three truckers, a young couple, an old man and a cook) all turn their attention towards Hank, it is silent for a moment then everyone dismisses him as drunk or crazy and starts talking amongst themselves again. The waitress angrily approaches Hank.

Waitress (super thick southern accent, missing teeth so she has a small lisp)
“You can come in if you quit the crazy talk and get that mutt of yours outside. I don’t want no dogs in my diner.”

“It’s the Barron, I heard it on the radio, I picked him up down the road. He’s here to seek vengeance and release his hell mojo upon the world!”

“Barron? Hell mojo? Boy I don’t know what you’re talking ‘bout?”

“The ghost killer, he’s right outside.”

Hank turns and points toward his truck. LVC is nowhere to be found.

“He was just here, I swear it. I ain’t crazy, Bessie saw him too. Ain’t that right girl?”

Hank looks down at his dog; the dog looks up at him and barks in agreement. The waitress shrugs her shoulders and walks off; she thinks Hank is just some meth head.

“Crazy ass tweekers. Hector! Get your ass out here, we got a problem.”

Hank stairs out the front window trying to find LVC as a very fat and dirty looking man in a cooking apron exits the kitchen and approaches Hank. He is carrying a cast iron pan in his right hand; his greasy long hair is bunched up in a hairnet.

Hector (w/ thick Mexican accent)
“Hey amigo, I think you need to leave.”

“I ain’t going back out there! It ain’t safe.”

“You’re not welcome here gringo, you’re bothering the customers.”

Hank and Hector argue back and forth for a bit. Hector starts to get more forceful. Bessie starts barking at Hector. The waitress comes back in and they all start to argue. Suddenly a loud scream can be heard. Everyone stops what they are doing and looks toward the showers outside; the scream seems to have come from there. Another loud scream is heard, this one sounds like something horrible is happening to the screamer.

“What was that!?”

Everyone continues to stare out the window. The group of truckers who were sitting in the diner join the conversation.

Trucker #1
“I think that’s ole’ Twinkle Toes, she must have some john tryin’ to stick it the wrong hole.”

The truckers and Hector laugh.

“No… (Laughs) she likes it in the back door hombre.”

The waitress smacks Hector.

“Watch your mouth you fat bastard, go out there and see what’s going on.”

“I’m not going out there alone, what If this loco gringo is right about the Barron.”

The waitress looks at the truckers. They back off.

“Bunch of pussies!”

The waitress walks over to the bar and reaches over it and pulls out a shotgun. She cocks it and heads out the front door. Everyone in the diner is now watching her out the window. They watch as she approaches the showers. She walks in and is now out of view. Suddenly another loud scream can be heard, it is followed by two shotgun blasts. The people in the dinner see nothing but the flash of the gun coming from inside the building. It is silent for a moment as everyone watches to see if the waitress comes back out. Nothing happens, so Hector and the three truckers run out of the diner and enter the showers.

Cut to inside the showers, it is dark; Hector and the truckers have a hard time seeing anything.

Trucker #1
“I can’t see shit!”

Trucker #2
“Me neither.”

Hector trips over something. He falls to the ground, he starts cursing in Spanish. Trucker #3 takes out a Zippo and lights it, it gives off enough light to see a little bit. Hector realizes that he tripped over the headless body of waitress. He starts mumbling in Spanish and crossing himself like a catholic and praying.

Trucker #1
“Shit fire! Her head’s been chopped clean off.”

Trucker #3 searches around with the Zippo then freezes close to the back wall.

Trucker #3

Everyone turns in his direction and sees the body of Twinkle Toes hanging on the wall. She has been split open and her intestines are hanging out, cuts cover her whole body and blood is everywhere. Suddenly a blast of thunder rattles the air, and a streak of lightning illuminates the whole room for a moment. LVC has appeared in the middle of the room.

Now I ask you……What would Barron Van Cleef do?

Allright I’ll try my best :

Lee Van Cleef gives a glare to hector & the 3 truckers, LVC shouts "So you bitches want a piece of the Chief Cleef huh ? "

  • LVC’s hand morphs into a giant Cleaver (terminator 2 style) & he cuts the top of Trucker #2’s skull off

Trucker #1 "Holly Shit, Little Foxtrots dead "

Trucker #3 " I think I shat my pants"

  • LVC’s hand morphs back to normal & begins to crawls on all fours and starts to walk around trucker #3’s waste, Lee Van Cleefs nose starts to twitch & give an all mighty SNIFF.

LVC : "Oh you dirty son of whore, the toilets only metres away, LET ME SHOW YOU ! "

  • LVC pulls Trucker #3 into the cubical toilet and pushes his head into the toilet bowl, flushing it several times
    LVC : “thats where the waste goes my friend”

  • LVC pulls Trucker # 3 out of the toilet & drags him by the ear and slides him across the slimy bathroom tiles & slams his head onto the basin sink

LVC : " See this, this is SOAP, you use it to clean your HANDS!!" *LVC smashes the truckers head on the soap dispenser

LVC : “Now this , this is a TAP you use it to wash the Soap OFF” * LVC get the truckers mouth and forces it onto the tap & begins to fill the truckers throat up with water…

LVC : " A good friend of mine by the name of Thomas Edison invented Electricity as time went on they have used electricity for many things light bulbs, television and even this hear HAND DRYER !! YOU USE THE HAND DRYER TO DRY YOUR HANDS WITH!!"

  • LVC kicks off the hand dryer cover wear all the bare components are showing and sticks the truckers still wet face into the busted hair dryer & pushes the ON button old trucker number 3 lights up like a Christmas tree

LVC : “Allright which of you faggots is next” *LVC lights up a cigar off the electrocuted man

Hector looks at Trucker # 1 & says " This has to be a dream Mang" Hector runs into one of the cubicals & starts to masterbate furiously hoping that this will help wake him up

  • LVC shakes his head with disappointment

*Trucker # 1 pulls out a Screwdriver & starts twirling it around his fingers

LVC: " ooooooh, whatch ya gona do with that ?"

Trucker gives out an allmighty yell & charges Lee Van Cleef with the screw driver, as the screw driver is inches away from attacking LVC grabs the truckers wrist & pulls it back CRACK breaking his arm at the elbow and forcing the screw driver into his eye the trucker falls to the ground like a bag of shit and LVC finishes him off with a big old STOMP…

Hector " OOOH YEAH, oooooh yeah, I’m gona blow baby, I’m gona blow "

*LVC kicks in the door and to his suprise Hector vanishes into thin air,

LVC: “Hmmm, maybe I am in some elses dream”

  • LVC shurgs his shoulders and starts walking out of the bathrooms

  • we have a shot of the bathroom entrance with water flowing out & some big cowboy boots making little splashs from the puddled sewage water, wet foot prints are shown all the way to the entrance of the DINNER

  • LVC walks through the front doors of the dinner & sits down, (everyone in the dinner is giving him a funny look) The waitress walks up to LVC

Waitress " Hun, what can I do for you "

LVC : " A slice of pecan Pie & a Dr Pepper please "

Waitress : " coming right up sweetie "

  • The waitress comes back to his table with the pecan pie & a Dr Pepper just like he orderd & everyone is still starring not sure what to make of him…

Waitress " hey hun"
LVC "yes mam ? "

Waitress " I dont want to sound rude or nothing but you got a piece of shit on your face "

LVC " Oh really ? how silly of me * Lee Van Cleef begins to laugh

  • All the patrons begin to laugh & so does the waitress, LVC gets the womans apron and wipes it on his face removing the shit & now staining the waitresses apron…

LVC " Now you got shit on your dress ! " LVC LAUGHS AGAIN EVEN LOUDER THEN BEFORE

Waitress " oh so I have " *Waitress is also laughing in hysterics

  • LVC eats a peice of the pie & the patrons go back to what they were doing…


terrible lvc with shit on his face, come on…

they were in a bathroom… thats the direction I went

not my best but I thought it was funny

We see Van Cleef sitting on his couch watching tv.

TV: Good evening and thanks for tuning in. I am Robert Osborn and next on this ghoulish night we have a classic action noir from director John Carpenter. This movie was a moderate hit that spawned one sequel. It stars Kurt Russell, Ernest Borgnine, and Donald Pleasense. Oh and look for an appearance by Isaac Hayes as the Duke. From nineteen eighty one here is Escape from New York.

LVC: What! Didn’t even mention my name!

Door Bell Rings

LVC: God damn you Robert Osborn (shakes fist at the tv as he goes toward the door)

LVC open his front door

Teenagers: Trick or Treat?

LVC looks at the kids maybe in their 20’s.

LVC: Think you a bit old for trick or treating?
Billy: What is it old man, you got any candy?

LVC gives the kid the stare down.

Billy: All right ass hole don’t give us any candy. I will give you a treat just wait and see what you get.
LVC: I know what you’re going to get. You’re going to get the fuck off my front porch. (Slams the door)

Billy: That old mans gonna get his. Joey your grand pa still go down to that live stock auction?
Joey: Yeah every Saturday Billy.
Billy: Good were going to go with him, have him bring his trailer and tell him we going to buy some goats.


Auctioneer: That will be one hundred and fourteen dollars.
Grandpa Smite: Here yeah go partner.
Auctioneer: Now make sure you keep that female away from all those males she is in heat.
Grandpa Smite: Yeah I spect they just roam round farm a bit.
Billy: No worries mister I will take care of it.
Auctioneer: What your grand pappy need these goats for son.
Billy: Just likes goats I guess and besides he is not my-
Joey: Lets get going grandpa.

Later that Day

The kids are on Van Cleef’s porch with the goats.

Joey: I don’t know about this Billy this guy is going be pissed.
Billy: Shut up Joey, he isn’t home he won’t know it us now give me that crowbar.

Billy sticks the crowbar into LVC’s door and pops it open. They walk into the house with five Rams and one goat in heat.

Billy: Now just let em go Joey the will tear hell out of this place.

Joeys lets go of the rope holding the rams, one turn and kicks Billy in the chest. He flies across the room and crashes through the coffee table. Upon landing his cell phone falls from his pocket.

Joey: Holly shit man did that hurt?
Billy: (getting up) Nah don’t worry about it let’s get the fuck out of here.

Hours later

Van Cleef’s mustang slows to a stop. He climbs out and walks to his porch, he notices something is wrong. His door as been tied shut by a rope from his porch rail to his door handle. Van Cleef hears a terrible groan coming from inside the house. He kicks the front door open.

LVC: Oh my god.

Van Cleef sees a Ram humping a goat. Around the Ram and goat are four other dead Rams that fought viciously for the goat. His whole house is ruined, no piece of furniture, slab of dry wall, or inch of carpet are untouched by the rams. At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?

LVC scans the room taking in all the damage. He stares at the two goats as they continue to bump and grind.

“Fucking goats!”

LVC kicks the male off of the female, it bah’s at him then turns and walks over to his couch and begins to chew the stuffing out of the arm rest. LVC gets red faced and screams.

“Stop that you dumb shit!”

LVC kicks at the male goat again, the female lays down on the ground to nap.

“How the hell did you bastards get in here?”

As LVC ponders the question he notices a cell phone laying on the ground. He walks over to it, leans down, and picks it up.

“Well, well, what do we have here?”

LVC scrolls through the contact info on the phone and finds the info on the phones owner. LVC gets a evil looking grin on his face.

“Billy Jones!”

He continues to look through the phone, he finds pictures of Billy and his friends and recognizes Billy.

“That was those little punks that were trick or treating last night. Those little shits! I’m gonna give ‘em a treat that they’ll never forget.”

LVC looks over at the goats in his living room. He grins, the goats bah.

Cut to Billy Jones’s house. He and his friend Joey sit in his bedroom, Billy is rolling a joint as he and Joey laugh and discuss what they did earlier.

“I wish I was there man! I would love to see the look on that old coot’s face when he walks in his house and sees those goats going at each other. (Laughs) I bet that geezer shits his pants.”

Billy and Joey laugh.

“Yeah I bet he strokes out as soon as he see’s ‘em.”

Billy finishes rolling the joint and lights it. He takes a big drag, holds it in for a moment, then blows out a large cloud of smoke. He begins to cough uncontrollably. He passes the joint to Joey.

“Hit this man, it’s some good shit. It’ll grab you by the boo-boo!”

Joey takes the joint and gets a big hit of smoke. He tries to hold it in but can’t. He almost vomits from coughing so much. Billy starts to laugh at his friend.

“Come on, can’t you hit that like a man?”

Joey continues to cough.

“I can’t breathe…… (Cough)…….Oh god! My head is getting hot…… (Cough)……I need some air.”

“Shit man, you are such a pussy! Open the damn window or something.”

Joey staggers over to the window and opens it, smoke begins to pour out. Joey sticks his head out and breathes in some fresh air. As he calms himself he notices a black Ford Mustang sitting in front of Billy’s house. The Mustang is revving its engine.

“Hey Billy check this out. There’s some bad ass looking car sitting in front of your house.”

Billy walks over to the window and takes a look outside. He sees the car, suddenly the car spins its tires and peels off.

“Damn, that’s one sweet ride.”

“Yeah, that thing was cherry.”

Billy and Joey sit back down and finish the joint then begin to play some videogames.

Cut to a few hours later. Billy and Joey are passed out in Billy’s bedroom. Billy lays on his bed while Joey lays on the floor. We see a shadowy figure sneaking about the room. The shadowy figure walks over to Billy and firmly places a hand over Billy’s mouth. Billy is awaken by this and as he opens his eyes he sees LVC standing over him.

“Trick or treat motherfucker!”

LVC punches Billy in the face and Billy passes out again.

Cut to an old cattle ranch on the outskirts of town. Billy wakes to find himself and Joey tied naked to a fence post. Both of their mouths are gagged. They squirm a bit and try to get loose but with no luck. We hear a man laughing off screen. The man is LVC. He is standing next to a closed animal trailer.

“Well I got to hand it to you two. That was pretty creative putting those goats in my living room like that. They sure did make a mess of things.”

Billy and Joey squirm some more, they try to yell for help but the gags keep them from talking.

“No use in tuckering yourselves out like that. I made sure those knots are tight. Besides you could yell your ass off out here and no one would hear you.”

Joey starts to cry, Billy starts to curse at LVC. His words are muffled.

“What was that boy? Fuck me? No, no, no Fuck you!”

LVC walks to the back of the trailer.

“You boys seem to know a thing or two about goats, ya’ll boys familiar with calves? You see a baby calf needs a regular supply of milk to survive. If their momma can’t supply that milk they’ll find another cow that will. They don’t care whose tit they suck on as long as they get what they want. Sometimes the calves are so hungry that they chew on a tit so hard that it’ll tear, sometimes they might even rip the sucker clean off. It just so happens I got a trailer full of hungry calves in need of some milk, unfortunately for you two the closest thing here to a momma cow’s tit is you two’s shriveled peckers.”

Billy and Joey look at each other; they begin to squirm even more. LVC begins to laugh hysterically. LVC opens the trailer and five calves come stammering out.

“It’s dinner time.”

The cows slowly make their way over to Billy and Joey. As the night goes on all that can be heard is laughing, crying, and mooing.

The end.
(My apologizes to the writers of The Cowboy Way)

haha nice one