What would Lee Van Cleef do?


(Spuff vermon) #1

Its a nice warm day in Oxnard California. An old but spri Lee Van Cleef gets out of bed. As he takes a cold shower he thinks to himself “I would really like to see that old film Death Rides a Horse”. After eating a modest breakfast Van Cleef gets into his car and drives to the local Best Buy. Once inside to his amazment he can not find a single copy of a large majority of the films he was in, inclueding Death Rides a Horse. Now people often say “Lee! You should just by it over the internet, the internet has it all”. But sadly Van Cleef really likes to stare the cashier down as he or she rings up his movie. Now this is just about this time a blue shirt Best Buy punk comes walking by. “Is there anything I can help you find today sir”. At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?


(Dillinger) #2


(Spuff vermon) #3

Its been a long day at the Midas garage. Van Cleef, being the shop manager, is ready for a stiff shot of Tennessee whiskey. Then out of the blue a nasty beater of a Model A pulls into the second service bay. Van Cleef just shakes his head as an old hag, who probably owns at least ten cats, climbs out of the car. “I need a oil change and my flat head could use a tune up” says the hag. Van Cleef looks around the garage and notices that all of his service techs have seemed to disapear. Van Cleef then tells the nasty hag the shop hours, she seems not hear. “What did you say about that tune up mister? Do I need to call my husband?” says the hag. At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?


(Hoover Valentine) #4

Van Cleef smirks at the woman, he tries to keep his cool, “I don’t believe you heard me mam, we’re closed.” The old woman starts to bitch, “I am a paying customer, I am an american, I demand to be sastisfied!” The woman is histarical, her arms are waiving about, curse words are flying from her crusty hair covered lips. Van Cleef takes a step towards her, grabs her by the shoulders and gives her a swift backhand to the face. Suddenly the sounds of an acoustic guitar and faint horns fills the air. The woman stairs at Lee with a look of bewilderment. Lee just stairs back at her not saying a word. His glair cuts like a freshly sharpened blade. All the lights have seemed to dim and a lone beam of light illuminates Van Cleef’s cold dead stair. The woman steps back, “You bastard, you can’t treat me like that, I’m calling my husband! He knows how to deal with filth like you.” The woman steps back towards her rusted junker and grabs her purse, she begins to pull out a cell phone. Just as she opens it a gunshot rings through the air. The phone flys from her hand in a busrt of black plastic. She is stunned, and just stairs at Van Cleef as he proceeds to shoot out both of the front tires and the windshield. He puts away the six shooter that had been hidden under his greese covered clothes. He turns and starts to leave. Just before he exits the building he turns to the woman who still stands there stunned. He reaches into his front pocket and tosses the lady a quarter, “Pay phones outside, you may want to call your husband. Looks like your gonna need a ride.”


(Spuff vermon) #5

Van Cleef sits at a table on the side walk and enjoys a nice cup of coffee. He watches as the people come from the grocery store next door with their carts full of food. Then he notices a car playing nasty loud music as it rolls at a break neak speed through the parking lot, how it cuts a little old lady off, and how it parks in a handycap space. He watches as a man climbs from the car and gives the old lady the finger. But today is a new day and Van Cleef’s having already killed three men before noon decides to leave it alone. Lee continues his coffee and has a smoke while man shops and returns to the parking lot. When the man is done loading his car full of groceries he decides that he doesn’t need to return his cart to the propper place, it would be better just to give it a nice push so its clear of his car when he leaves. Unfortunatly for him the cart rolls into the side of Lee Van Cleef’s car… at this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?


(El Topo) #6

Well if it’s one of those need a coin to release carts.

…Hey mate can I keep the coin…


(Hoover Valentine) #7

The man backs his car out of the space and peels out looping around towards the exit of the parking lot. Lee finishes off his coffee and flicks the butt of the cig he was smokin, he stands up form his table and steps out into the roadway. Van Cleef stands in the middle of the road leading to the exit. The rude punk turns the curve and sees Lee standing a few feet ahead. He stops his car and honks a few times, Lee remains motionless his eyes fixed on the car. The punk honks again, still no movement, he then begins to spin his tires, smoke flows everywhere and the car launches in Lee’s direction. Lee remains motionless. The punk relizes the Lee is not going to move and slams on the brakes, the car stops less than an inch away from Lee. He just looks down at the hood and smiles a little. The punk jumps out of his car, he curses at Lee “What the fucks your problem old man, you stupid or something, you got a death wish.” Lee says nothing, he takes a pack of cigs from his front pocket, pulls one out and lights it, he takes a big drag. The punk gets in his face and gives lee and earful. Lee just takes another drag then blows the smoke in the punks face. The kid is now super pissed, he knocks the cig out of Lees hand, pulls a knife and takes a swipe at Lee. Van Cleef jumps back narrowly avoiding being slashed, he knocks the knife from the kids hand and gives him a right hook to the ribs, the kid falls to the ground. He gasps for air. Van Cleef gets out a new cig and pulls out a matchbook. he gets a match out and leans down towards the kid. He strikes the match on the kids forehead leaving a black mark. He lights his new cig and exhales. He starts to walk to his car as he yells to the punk “Always remeber boy, respect your elders.”


(Major Clyde) #8

He grins and pulls out his Remington and shoots the “maledetto.” (“carogna?”)


(Spuff vermon) #9

The table is silent as the wheel spins, the little white ball bounces and seatles. “Thirty two red” say the dealer. Van Cleef smiles as the dealer pushes him $3,200 in chips. The pit boss gives Lee a nice cold look, Lee just smiles and throws two hundred in chips on zero. “All bets are off” says the dealer as he spins the wheel. Lee continues to smile at the pit boss as the ball comes to a stop. “Green Zero!” Lee continues to look at the Pit Boss as the dealer slides him $6,400 in chips. Lee tosses the dealer a hundred and puts all of his chips on twetny four black. By now a crowd has gathered around the table, many people place the same bet as Van Cleef, the pit boss is talking franctically into a phone. “No more bets” as the wheel spins. Van Cleef just smiles as the ball bounces into its slot. “Twenty four black!” exclaims the dealer as the floor of the casino errupts in excitment. Van Cleef stands up having made just over a quarter million dollars. “Where do you think your going” says the pit boss. Lee stares the man down. “I think I am done here, I want my money and I will be on my way”. The pit bosses face fills with red “Why don’t you come into the back with me? A bottle of whiskey? Maybe a girl or two” as he gives Lee a joking elbow. “By the way are you staying with us?” Lee shakes his head and says “My money” to which the casino boss replies “I’ll get your money follow me”. Lee giving the man the benifit of the doubt follows him into the back room, where to his surprise there are five huge men waiting with billy clubs and brass knuckels. “We don’t take kind to cheaters around here mister” At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?


(Hoover Valentine) #10

Lee looks around assesing the situation at hand. The goons start to close in around him. Lee shows no signs of fear. The pit boss chimes in, “Look mister you got two choices. You can turn around and walk out the front doors and forget about your damn money, or my boys here can show you the way out.” Van Cleef gives the pit boss a smile, “What about choice #3, You give me my money and I don’t send your boys here to the hospital.” The pit boss face burns red with anger, “Tear that son of a bitch a new one boys!” The goons lunge all at once at Lee. Lee grabs a ninja smoke bomb from his front pocket and slings it towards the floor. It pops filling the room with a cloud of smoke. The goons and the pit boss start to look around, Lee has vanished! “Where did that bastard go!” the pit boss screams. “Over here!” Lee shouts. The pit boss turns around and looks up to see Lee standing on top of a metal shelving unit. He is dressed in a full ninja outfit ,mask and all, the only part of Lee’s body that remains uncovered is his eyes. He jumps from the shelves and does a 360 spin in mid air and lands on the ground in the middle of the circle of goons. The goons lunge towards Lee. Lee gives the first one a spin kick to the gut witch cause the man to fall to his knees, Lee runs toward the fallen man and jumps on his shoulders. Two of the goons run up to Lee, one takes a chain and slings it at Lee’s face. Lee blocks the chain with his forearm, the chain wraps around his arm, the other goon starts to swing a club at Lee. Lee pulls the chain and the goon holding the chain is pulled toward the one with the bat. The one with the bat knocks his fellow henchman out cold. “You idiots! Get that old man.” the pit boss cries. The henchman with the bat takes another swing at Lee, lee does a backflip to avoid the hit. Now the one with the bat is joined by one of the remaing goons. They both look at each other then let out a yell and rush towards lee. Lee turns and jumps in between two of the shelves to the other side and pushes the shelves on the two rushing goons. The shelf falls on both men rendering them useless. Now only one henchman remains. The room grows silent, Lee looks at his final opponent. He is a large man, he appears asian. “Now your gonna die! You dirty bastard. I’ll have your head.” the pit poss screams. The final henchman rips his shirt off exposing his tattoed body, colorful dragons and skulls cover his whole torso. He lets out a few yelps and grunts, flexing his muscles and showing off his martial arts skills. Lee takes a defensive stance and motions for the man to charge. The goon starts to run, he builds up some speed and the launches a flying kick towards Lee. Lee straightens up from his stance and just steps to the side. The goon lands his kick on the handle of an exit door, the door flys open and the goon goes flying into an open garbage bin in the alley way. Lee shuts the door and locks it, he turns toward the pit boss and begins to walk in his direction. The pit boss is no longer screaming in anger, he is now pleading for mercy. Lee grabs the man by the colar and lifts him to his feet. Lee pulls his arm back like he is going to give the man a judo chop and stops short. The pit boss has pissed himself, a wet stain has formed on the front of his pants. Lee lets him go and removes his mask, “My money.” The pit boss refuses to look Lee in the eyes, he just shakes his head and faintly says “Fine, fine, no more, please, no more.” The pit boss finally looks up at Lee and asks “Who the hell are you?” Lee replys “I’m the man who wants his money, I am THE MASTER!” 8)


(volonte) #11

I have been laughing all breakfast reading these. :smiley: Good stuff.


(Spuff vermon) #12

The traffic light turns red, Van Cleef pushes down the clutch and slips his machine into neutral. He slows to a stop in his '71 mustang and glances out the window at a piece of shit Nova. He presses the gas pedal and opens the cobra jet up just to let the nova know he means business. The window of the nova rolls down and a long haired unbathed looking dude says “You want to run old man?” Van Cleef gives the long hair the stare and says “I only go for the title”. The long hair sits back in his seat and takes a drag off his smoke as he thinks “he is just an old timer what the hell does he know about driving? I can take that sweat ass ride of his, sure I can do it”. “Alright pappy” as the long hair hits Van Cleef’s car with his cigarette butt “I take your car” Van Cleef opens up his cobra jet again, the nova’s widows vibrate as the revolutions back down. The long hair looks straight ahead at the traffic light, maybe this is a mistake. He looks back at the mustang, Van Cleef continues his stare down. The light changes to green and the long hair goes. Van Cleef lets out the clutch on first and his car springs into action but the long hair is good, real good and his car stays out front. Van Cleef pulls her into second and makes up a few feet. The long hair glance out his passenger side window as the front of Van Cleef’s car reaches his door. He screams “I got you pappy” as he shoots the mustang the bird. Van Cleef pushes the stick up to third. The long hairs eyes jump back and forth between the road and the mustang, its really starting to pull up on him now. The long hair looks out the window as Van Cleef’s diver side door becomes visible, Van Cleef still hold the same stare at the long hair. “Who do you think you are old man, you don’t have shit!” Van Cleef pulls the stick down to fourth. The mustang starts to inch in front of the nova, the long hair smack his steering wheel as his cars hood becomes even with Van Cleef’s door. “Come on baby, don’t let this old man show us”. A cigarette flies out of the mustang, the cherry pops on the Nova’s windshield. The long hair jerks the steering wheel, the tires break loose a bit and the long hair lets off the gas to regain control. Van Cleef watches in the rear view as the long hair slows his cars down and suddenly he turns and runs… At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?


(Hoover Valentine) #13

The long hair hippy turns the curve and pushes the gas to the floor. He is angry at himself for losing, but is determined to escape. “That old gray haired bastard aint gonna take my wheels.” he reasures himself. After what seems a few miles the hippy looks in his rear view mirror and sees no sign of Van Cleef or his car. “Ha ha, lost him.” The hippy takes out a fresh cig from the pack laying on his passanger seat, lights it and takes a long drag. He cruises around the town for a little while and then decides to stop at the local coffee shop for some much needed caffine. On the wat to the coffee house he gets caught at a red light. While sitting at the red light he turns on his radio to calm his nerves, he can’t seem to shake the image of the old man sitting in his car, “those eyes” he mumbles under his breathe, “can’t get those damn eyes out of my head.” The light turns green and he begins to move with the rest of the traffic. The radio annoucer chimes in, “here’s a little blast from the past for all you hip cats and groovy mama’s out their in radio land.” The intro chords to the beatles song Run for your life begin to play, the hippy turns the radio up a little. He feels comfortable now, all he can think of now is a tall cup of joe. He pulls up to the coffee house and just as he is about to turn in the chorus of the song kicks in, “you better run for your life if you can little girl, hide your head in the sand little girl, catch you with another man, that’s the end, little girl” the hippy slams on the brakes. He is frozen, speachless, the cig in his mouth begins to hang then falls as the hippie’s jaw drops. Sitting in front of the coffee house, leaning on his mustang and sipping on a tall cup of coffee is Lee Van Cleef. Van Cleef stares at the long hair, he lifts his drink in the air and gives a little smirk. The hippy almost shits himself, he just stares at Lee, “how did he…”. The long hair doesn’t even finish his sentence, he peels out as fast as he can. “How did that old man find me!” The hippy tries to reason how this old man could have known where to find him, the more the long hair tries to think the more his pot soaked brain hurts. He burns through two red lights in a row before quickly turning down an alley way. He stops at the end of the alley way and turns his car off. He sits in silence, all that can be heard is his breathing witch builds heavier and heavier as he stares into his rear view mirror. The long hair wipes the sweat from his face, and continues to stare at the mirror. No one is following. He sighs in relief, “must have just been a coincidence, no way that old man knew where i was going.” The hippy takes a moment to collect himself then starts the car back up. He continues down the alley way toward the exit, he’s moving slowly at first, he glances up at the rear view mirror and catches a glimpse of a black streak passing the entrance to the alley way. “couldn’t be” he says to himself. His car starts to emerge from the alley way, the hippy looks to his left to make sure no traffic is coming. He once again is shocked to see Van Cleef and his mustang sitting at the red light to his left. Van Cleef honks his horn and revs his engine. The long hair freaks and slams the gas pedal to the floor. His tires spin as he peels out leaving two large black marks and a cloud of smoke behind. The hippy drives faster than he ever has in his life. He blows through stop signs and red lights, he turns down one lane roads, he cuts through traffic without a hesitation. A few hours pass, the long hair has drove all over town determined to not see Lee again. “Looks like that old man is gone for good, I knew I’d give him the slip.” the long hair confidently reasures himself. He begins his journey home. About thirty minutes pass. The hippy turns into the worst part of town, it’s pretty much a ghetto. Most houses are ratty ass looking duplexes, but a few are single houses with small garages attached. The long hair pulls to the end of the road, its a dead end. He pulls up to the last house on the left and parks on the street next to the house. He begins to walk up to the front door when he hears a noise comming from his garage, he has had problems with dogs from the neighborhood getting into his garage and messing with the pot plants he’s trying to grow. “Damn dogs, better not messed with my shit!” He picks up a long stick laying in the front yard and approaches the garage door. He bends down and grabs the door handle and pulls the door up. He raises the stick in the air to hit the dogs with but their are no dogs, only headlights. A black mustang cobra peels out of the garage, the hippy doesn’t have enough time to get away, the car zooms toward him and suddenly the long haired hippy finds himself on the hood of Van Cleef’s car. The long hair holds on to the hood for dear life, he looks back at Van Cleef who sits behind the wheel smilin’. “Your fucking crazy old man!” the hippy screams. “Just figured you might want to see how a real man drives.” Van Cleef replies. Van Cleef procceds to take the hippy on a white knuckle journey down roadways, alley ways, everywhere his car can travel. After what seems to the long hair as hours, Van Cleef turns back down the road leading the the hippies house. Just before reaching the house Van Cleef jerks the car a little the hippy slides down the hood. He can hardly hold on. Suddenly his long greasy hair gets sucked into the intake of the engine. Van Cleef sees this happen and slams on his brakes. The hippy goes flying, his hair rips, and he goes skidding into his frontyard. Van Cleef pulls his car up to the curb and rolls his window down. He takes a long drag off of a cigar, and flicks the ashes in the direction of the now short haired hippy. The hippy begins to vomit, his head is spinnig from everything that has happened. Van Cleef smiles, “Thought you might need a hair cut, It’ll help you get a job, seeing as your gonna need to buy yourself a new set of wheels.” The hippy falls back and passes out on his lawn. The next morning he wakes to find his car gone.


(Hoover Valentine) #14

Thanks.


(Spuff vermon) #15

“Welcome to Mcdonalds, may I take your order?” Van Cleef glances over the menu. “I think I will have a number four and please hold the mustard.” says Van Cleef. “That will be one number four with no mustard, what would you like to drink?” Van Cleef pauses for a moment as to think. “A sweat tea… large.” The speaker cracks a bit. “That will BE five dollars fourty five cents, please pull to the first window.” Van Cleef’s car rolls to the first window, he pays the attendant and drives to the next window. “Here is your order sir and have a nice day!” Van Cleef takes his food and continues down the road. He reaches into the bag, he removes the sandwich and takes a bite. Van Cleef slams on the brakes. The car comes to a skiding hault. He ajusts the rear view mirror to his face. A smudge of mustard is visible in the corner of his mouth. At this exact moment I ask WWLVCD?


(Major Clyde) #16

Since LVC was American, perhaps he would be preparing numerous lawsuits? (OK, just kidding…) ;D


(Spuff vermon) #17

Thats a good reply Clyde, very funny. Laughed about three whole minutes but… we need some meat so no dice.

Hoover and I do appreciate the positive feedback and the fact that someone other than the two of us are posting. So give it a try, no one here will laugh (unless its funny) at any attempts.


(natos99) #18

Lee van Cleef parks his car in the mcdonalds parking lot, *we have a shot of some shiny cowboy boots steping out of the car door * LVC looks around and continues to walk into the mc donalds shop.

LVC :
“Whos the woman that took my order”

Lady :
" that would be me sir"

LVC :
" did you not hear my say hold the mustard on my burger"

Lady says sheepishly:
" Yes sir…"

LVC :
" Then why is there mustard on my burger "

Lady :
“I’ll have to ask the burger maker sir…”

LVC :
"No… I think I’ll ask Him "

Lee van cleef then hops over the mc donalds bench and starts pushing burger boys left right & center " Which one of you kids put mustard on my burger "

Burger boy
" I did it sir & I think westerns are for faggots "

Lee van cleef looks around with a crazy look in his eye & picks the boy up by the throat and drags him over to the deep fryer and begins to place his face into the deep fryer the patrons of the burger joint begin to scream with fear… Lee Van Cleef turns around & pulls a gun out and points it around the room

What does LEE VAN CLEEF DO NEXT ???


(natos99) #19

This is for after someone replys to the mcdonalds one or they can go straight from here…

We have a shot of a big convention center, with " WESTERN MANIACS " up on the front entrance we cut to a big line of people all anxious waiting in line mostly men in there late 30’s to mid 50’s & at the front of the line is a desk 1 side is Bruce Campbell in his Brisco county Jr outfit & Beside him is Lee Van Cleef wearing a t-shirt and shorts

LVC looks a little tired & slightly stressed after many signings and from answering to many stupid questions he pauses for a moment to drink a glass of water but wishing it was a shot of whiskey the next man in the line is ready and he begins to ask LVC a question.

Crazy Fan :
If you & clint eastwood got in a fight who do you think would win ?

LVC :
well I think… *Fan cuts across LVC

Crazy Fan :
Why didnt you & clint make any more movies ?

LVC :
I guess its becau… * Fan cuts across LVC again

Crazy Fan :
My mum thinks you look like a rat but i think you resemble more of something like a weasel * The man gets out a picture for Lee Van Cleef to sign

(the picture the man wanted him to sign is listed below )

And I ask my self WWLVCD ?


(Hoover Valentine) #20

[quote=“natos99, post:18, topic:2447”]Lee van Cleef parks his car in the mcdonalds parking lot, *we have a shot of some shiny cowboy boots steping out of the car door * LVC looks around and continues to walk into the mc donalds shop.

LVC :
“Whos the woman that took my order”

Lady :
" that would be me sir"

LVC :
" did you not hear my say hold the mustard on my burger"

Lady says sheepishly:
" Yes sir…"

LVC :
" Then why is there mustard on my burger "

Lady :
“I’ll have to ask the burger maker sir…”

LVC :
"No… I think I’ll ask Him "

Lee van cleef then hops over the mc donalds bench and starts pushing burger boys left right & center " Which one of you kids put mustard on my burger "

Burger boy
" I did it sir & I think westerns are for faggots "

Lee van cleef looks around with a crazy look in his eye & picks the boy up by the throat and drags him over to the deep fryer and begins to place his face into the deep fryer the patrons of the burger joint begin to scream with fear… Lee Van Cleef turns around & pulls a gun out and points it around the room

What does LEE VAN CLEEF DO NEXT ???[/quote]

LVC pulls the burger boy from the deep fryer and throws his lifeless corpse to the floor. Chunks of fried flesh and goo splatter as the boys face hits the floor. LVC raises his gun and points it in the direction of the remaining burger boys. He begins to point his gun at each boy one at a time.

LVC
"Eney" he moves to the next “miney” he moves to the next “moe”

LVC points the gun at the last and most scared looking burger boy.

LVC
"You boy…fix me a new burger!"

The room falls silent, the boy is too scared to respond. The boy begins to make a new burger. LVC stands behind the boy as he works, he splits his attention making sure to keep an eye on the remaining staff and patrons. As the boy is working he begins to sweat. LVC throws the boy a towel that was laying on the counter.

LVC
"Wipe your damn face punk. I don’t want my bun to be soggy."

The boy wipes the sweat from his brow and continues on. The boy finishes and sheepishly offers the burger to LVC. The patrons watch as LVC lowers his gun and takes a bite. Thinking that LVC has dropped his guard a large hulking man who had been quitly observing from the back decides to spring into action. He slowly rises from his table and starts to approach the front counter. LVC has his back to the man, he countines to eat the burger. The man gets a few feet from the counter. LVC quickly turns and pulls his gun. BANG! The large hulking man falls to the ground as blood spurts from his leg. He grabs at his wound and lets out a barrage of curse words. LVC jumps over the counter and pops the man in the head with the butt of his gun. The man is knocked out. LVC points his gun around the room.

LVC
"Anyone else feel like being a hero."

No one replys. LVC finishes off the last few bites of his burger and walks over to the runt who made it. LVC gives the boy a cock-eyed smirk. He raises his gun to the boys forehead and places the end of the barrel right on him. He leans in close to the boy and cocks the gun.

LVC
"I want you to know something boy."

The boy says nothing he looks as if is going to cry.

LVC
"That was the best damn burger I’ve ever ate in my life."

The boy faints and falls to the floor. LVC uncocks the gun and returns it to his holster. He removes his wallet from his back pocket and takes out a few dollars and tosses them on top of the unconcius burger boy. He begins to leave. The patrons scatter to the sides as LVC walks down the center towards the door. Before exiting LVC turns and looks around the room. Every eye is on him. He cracks a little smile.

LVC
"Next time you might wanna think twice before you fuck up someones order!"