Share your favorite Spaghetti Western cliches


(Col. Douglas Mortimer) #1

I’ll start off with a few. Feel free to add some.

  1. Six shooters always seem to carry more than six bullets.
  2. Mexicans are entirely devoid of a middle class, either poor helpless peons, slimy bandits, or rich aristocrats.
  3. Table manners when it comes to eating large chunks of meat is optional.
  4. Women are always attracted to the hero, despite the fact that he changes clothes, bathes, shaves, and brushes his teeth every lunar eclipse or so.
  5. Sheriffs are by and large horrible at their jobs, or corrupt.
  6. The only real advantage that the hero has over the bad guys is that he has better aim.
  7. Heroes are capable of handling inhuman amounts of punishment, but it only takes a punch or two from them to seriously incapacitate a bad guy.
  8. The hero’s sidekick is always overweight, ugly, overly talkative, and has some sort of vice, such as alcoholism or obsessive gambling.
  9. The hero always knows if the bad guy is cheating at cards.
  10. The banker, magistrate, and land baron are always never nice people.
  11. If the banker, magistrate, or land baron happens to have a daughter, she is always attracted to the hero.
  12. Mexican bandits love to engage in maniacal laughter when killing or torturing someone.
  13. The hero will always win a fistfight against a dude who’s twice his size.
  14. Women living on homesteads appear to be more naive and less worldly than their saloon whore counterparts.
  15. Every town has an eccentric old man, probably with asperger syndrome, who aids the hero with some arcane knowledge that only he knows.
  16. The main heroes in Spaghetti Westerns are always homeless.
  17. Ranch hands are always brutish and unsophisticated.
  18. Bartenders are always cowards.
  19. A Mexican’s favorite pastime is groping barmaids against her will.

(sartana1968) #2

[quote=“Col. Douglas Mortimer, post:1, topic:2815”]I’ll start off with a few. Feel free to add some.

  1. Six shooters always seem to carry more than six bullets.
  2. Mexicans are entirely devoid of a middle class, either poor helpless peons, slimy bandits, or rich aristocrats.
  3. Table manners when it comes to eating large chunks of meat is optional.
  4. Women are always attracted to the hero, despite the fact that he changes clothes, bathes, shaves, and brushes his teeth every lunar eclipse or so.
  5. Sheriffs are by and large horrible at their jobs, or corrupt.
  6. The only real advantage that the hero has over the bad guys is that he has better aim.
  7. Heroes are capable of handling inhuman amounts of punishment, but it only takes a punch or two from them to seriously incapacitate a bad guy.
  8. The hero’s sidekick is always overweight, ugly, overly talkative, and has some sort of vice, such as alcoholism or obsessive gambling.
  9. The hero always knows if the bad guy is cheating at cards.
  10. The banker, magistrate, and land baron are always never nice people.
  11. If the banker, magistrate, or land baron happens to have a daughter, she is always attracted to the hero.
  12. Mexican bandits love to engage in maniacal laughter when killing or torturing someone.
  13. The hero will always win a fistfight against a dude who’s twice his size.
  14. Women living on homesteads appear to be more naive and less worldly than their saloon whore counterparts.
  15. Every town has an eccentric old man, probably with asperger syndrome, who aids the hero with some arcane knowledge that only he knows.
  16. The main heroes in Spaghetti Westerns are always homeless.
  17. Ranchers are always brutish and unsophisticated.
  18. Bartenders are always cowards.
  19. A Mexican’s favorite pastime is groping barmaids against her will.[/quote]
    very good post!, well done!!!

(Col. Douglas Mortimer) #3

Some more:

  1. When someone is in jail, he never stays there for long.
  2. It usually only takes one shot to kill.
  3. When stolen gold is involved, a double cross is not far away.
  4. Stagecoaches always get robbed by people hiding high up on the rocks.

(ION BRITTON) #4

That was a highly enjoyable reading. Good job, Col!


(cm215) #5

Haha, it made my morning to read this post… it’s funny because it’s all so very true. :slight_smile:


(Col. Douglas Mortimer) #6
  1. Mexican bandits can never get the girl using their natural charm, they always have to force or coerce her to be his lover. Maybe they should hire Will Smith in Hitch LOL.
  2. The main antagonist always dies before he can get arrested and tried for his crimes.
  3. Well dressed heroes are not revenge driven.
  4. Saloon brawls that start out between two people always escalate into full scale battle royales.
  5. If you get shot while riding a horse or while standing on top of a building, you will fall off.
  6. If you get shot on a hill, you will roll down that hill.

(Chris_Casey) #7

“2. Mexicans are entirely devoid of a middle class, either poor helpless peons, slimy bandits, or rich aristocrats.”

But, the Slimy Bandits are the middle class.
There’s the helpless folk, then the slimy bandits, then the aristocracy!

:smiley:


(Phil H) #8

[quote=“Col. Douglas Mortimer, post:6, topic:2815”]5. If you get shot while riding a horse or while standing on top of a building, you will fall off.
6. If you get shot on a hill, you will roll down that hill.[/quote]

  1. If you are standing by a wooden bannister rail when shot it will collapse when you fall against it.
  2. If you are in a Demofilo Fidani film the same applies but you have the option of jumping over it as you die. ;D

(sartana1968) #9

one from me:
the protagonist always kill a big number of bandits and kill the main villain at the end of the movie


(Col. Douglas Mortimer) #10

LOL Phil and Chris!

  1. Never depend on an armed escort when transporting gold in a stagecoach. They will always fail to protect it.
  2. When the hero shoots, aiming is optional. Bullets will magically find their way towards a bad guy regardless of where the hero aims.
  3. Gatling guns will magically take care to avoid the horses and only shoot the men riding them.

(Andy) #11
  1. Poker games always end in bar brawls or standoffs.
  2. Revolutionaries are interested in personal wealth, not reformed society.
  3. Mexican bandit leaders are fat, have a moustache, and are loud-mouthed.
  4. Machine guns have an endless supply of ammunition.
  5. If you run out of ammunition there are usually explosives handy.
  6. Asian characters either run laundry houses or are martial arts experts.

(Curly) #12

Blonde villains are usually weasely, sadistic or psychotic


(bladerunnerblues) #13

If our hero falls in love,she usually ends up dead by the end of the film.
When a person throws a knife/machete/sword,they do so with enough force that it sticks in to the person they throw it at.


(Col. Douglas Mortimer) #14

Yeah especially when the knife lands right between the eyes! It would actually have to penetrate the hardest portion of the skull. In real life it would take a swung hatchet to do that.

[quote=“sartana1968, post:9, topic:2815”]one from me:
the protagonist always kill a big number of bandits and kill the main villain at the end of the movie[/quote]

Good one! But thats more of a convention than a cliche.


(TetsuPhoenix) #15

The genesis of the SW anti-hero:

A man with no name/goes by just one name/by nickname arrives at some semi-abandoned western town, he will carry some trademark accesorie: poncho, fancy cigars, black gloves, a hidden machine gun, a tomahawk, or a deck of cards that can be used as weapon. He will probably have either a badass scar, or something else that shows us that he has been around. The town is either controlled by a wealthy sadistic hacienda/mine owner, or in the middle of a war between several factions. Our hero arrives at the local saloon, shows briefly but effectively his almost super human skills, beats up some bandito, and gets hired by the bad guys, after all the SW anti-hero will always work for the right money, but he might also have a personal vendetta against one of the bad guys. He will trick the bad guys at first, working for them or promising a large sum of gold for them. At the same time he will be making deals with another faction of bad guys, or looking out for some information about some secret weapon/stash of gold hidden somewhere.

In the process he meets either a noble yet weak bartender/old guy who might help him, or just a good looking señorita, who will obviously fall for our hero at first sight, much to his indifference. Eventually the bad guys find out about his true intentions. They torture him, beat him to a pulp and cripple him in some way that affects his skills, they will left him for dead, but he will come back, either by his own hand or with somebody’s help. The hero has to heal his wounds somehow, and recover his skills, meanwhile the odds stack against him. The final confrontation arrives and, despise being outnumber, with a combination of skill, brains and luck our hero will blast all the bad guys, and will either die in the process or just ride into the sunset, saying goodbye to the señorita, and with the vague promise that we might see him sometime in the future. Cue to badass main theme, the end.


(Gringo!) #16

The crooked/evil bankers, magistrates and land barons admission of guilt will be in the form of a quick close up with suspicious eyes darting left and right.


(cochino) #17

Pearl white teeth all around.


(tomas) #18

well, dentists were on every corner in those days :smiley:


(Col. Douglas Mortimer) #19

LOL good ones Chochino and Gringo.


(Marvin W. Bronson) #20
Gatling guns will magically take care to avoid the horses and only shoot the men riding them.

Heh heh. I really like that one!