Garter Colt / Giarrettiera Colt (Gian Rocco, 1968)

Here is a not so favourable review by William Connolly:

[quote=“Stanton, post:20, topic:226”]Any news about a subtitled version?

I heard last year that someone eventually wanted to prepare one. Has the project ever started?[/quote]

My friend was thinking of doing it at one point, but seems to have given up at present. He decided to do Seven Guns For Timothy instead.

Have had this sitting around for a while (taken from the Italian DVD) and have not watched it until today because the Italian only audio kept putting me off. I have to say it does look beautiful in many places (and not just when Niccoleta is in shot :wink: )

There is little doubt that the majority of the film is just a series of excuses to film Niccoleta looking magnificent but the whole thing is visually very striking to the point that I started wondering about director Gian Andrea Rocco’s background. Although it is equally possible that the look of the whole thing is influenced more by cinematographer Gino Santini. Who knows. Either way, it is worth seeing for it’s visual impact. On the down side, it seems to be something of a mess in most other departments. As I said, I only saw this in Italian, a language I am no master of, but even so it seemed to me that the story jumped all over the place and some of the characters were not properly developed. Moreover, some of the set pieces just don’t make sense. Camaso jumping out on two lovers making out in a haystack in the middle of a salt flat springs to mind. ???

There also seemed to be some very amateurish direction in places where actors are looking off at odd view lines for no obvious purpose. My suspicions that Santini was responsible for the film’s beautiful ‘look’ were getting much stronger by this point. Interesting film though and Miss Machiavelli has never looked better. Which is saying something. I’d really like an english friendly version to make a proper judgement overall.

If you are smitten with Nicoletta, you won’t mind that it plays like a tax write-off vanity project. It’s like a lavish home movie that exists to record how beautiful and adorable the star was in the year this was made. I feel goosebumps of puppy love when I watch it, a teenage crush and I’m a middle aged and happily married guy! Why does she have this effect on so many? That said, it’s very, very silly and Volonte’s brother Camaso as Red seems to be doing a simultaneous impersonation of Yosemite Sam and Daffy Duck. But the costumes are beautiful and Nicoletta wears them well as she trots along, and it’s no or not too much worse than the other pistolera productions of the day like Rita, Lola, Belle Starr.

The lead looks the part in this, so no complaints in that department so to speak. The humour elements are what I found difficult at times to jel in my head. Not sure what type of humour it is, maybe slightly black humour at times. Did not work for me. Some scenes I was just not expecting. For example; a huge pile of hay in the middle of no where, a man grabbing hold of a living sheep and stealing it. The leads so called baby was a bit of a laugh though, kept thinking of the It’s Alive films at times, think it was the pram. Not what I expected this one, but may like more on a second viewing.

Ennio, Italian version or the longed for fan sub?

Italian version.


Well the best I can say is it starts well with a beautiful shot of real cacti (and you know I love my cacti) - and ends on a spaghettiesque moody and melancholic note, with a mangy dog sniffing about a deserted street as our heroine rides off into a better western.

To start us off – there’s a mad overweight laughing drug-addled Mexi-general called Cocaine (in the Fernando Sancho mould) who blows some Frenchies to bits with dynamite to commence our pleasant evening’s spaghetti proceedings, and whos left-over gallic bits are crossed by a passing stagecoach bearing Nicholetta Machiavelli who’s baring her cleavage. Sounds good!? Well you’d better stop here… ‘cos I’m about to shoot Garter’s colt, and most else in this film, down in shit.

But – what about if I add into the opening equation that the said General got his habit off his drug-addicted horse(!) And we’ve got a talking parrot in the menagerie belonging to a handsome Mexi-spy. And that Claudio Camaso turns up as a psychotic Mexi-bandit kitted out in all hippy-stylee inspired flares - and with ginger hair - and looks even more deranged than ever. And that he enjoys punching a Frenchman half a dozen times in the face with a horseshoe knuckleduster? Still sounds good…? I gotta say at this point it still sounds like it still has the potential to be fuckin’ great!

But – what if punched-faced-Frenchie shrugs off most of these brain-busting punches and carries on scrapping regardless? And what if the smart-arse parrot drops not just quirky lines - but micky finns into the mexi-jailers beer, and even later will be helping smouldering love-hunk Carlos cheat at cards by squawking the card numbers of his opponent – who just happens to be our lust-interest Miss Cleavage herself?

Ok – we’ve seen this type of spoofoonery in many a good spag. George Hilton and Charles Southwood can pull of this sort of comedic nonsense in such wonders as Trade your Pistols for a Coffin ,and in that one with the sewing-machine gun, and yet those elements don’t ruin what are otherwise tight, entertaining westerns. But in this, to counter the cheating parrot, Miss Decolletage has her own secret weapon – it couldn’t be a midget(!) pretending to be her son(?) in a wicker pram placed behind Carlos’ full-house and trousers could it? :o
Unfortunately - this film gets much, MUCH worse than this. ???

In the unholy madness that precedes this wackiness, our punched-Frenchie has been nursed/kissed back to health by pedo-dream Rosy (Marisa Solinas) – all pigtails and badly drawn-on freckles – but also with a (more adult) Nicholetta-competing cleavage. She has fallen for the sleeping Frenchie, but later likes to scream/faint/swoon for her childhood rape-interest who goes by the name of Red (Camaso) whilst he yet again tries to dispose of his European rival by repeating the previous beating. He adds to this drama some ineffectual shooting, swordplay and attempted immolation – and all whilst he is still attempting to rape our screaming yet sometimes, and somewhat (dubiously), compliant Rosy.

And where does this truelly farcical misogynistic snog-nonsense take place – could it possibly be in a cliched haystack… of course - but on a deserted beach!! Are there misguided artistic directional delusions of Fellini at work here. We can only wonder? ???
All these delusions and allusions that I have referred to – and yet still I have more spit and spite left – so I apologise now for my obviously one-sided and blinkered opinions and implore you to read no further, but to watch this film for yourselves and tell the truth. For everybody’s sake now I’ll compress my poisonous thoughts on this travesty to a few vignettes of what’s left to suffer and try to find some good amongst the bad and ugly.

There are the unusual seascapes (of Sardinia), and the famous spaghetti wolf tape-loop appears at one point to add to the atmospheric night-timyness. And there are the un-ugly and previously documented bathing shots of Nicholetta to lure, and the lingering close-ups of her caressing her cleavage and lower abdomen. Then there’s the cliche of a man buried up to his head in sand to remind us this is a spaghetti… and then we’ll have some more cleavage, and then perhaps a bit more action… but followed by a bit more cleavage.
And then there’s probably a little bit more cleavage to make up for a lack of action.

BUT - wonders - in this up til now shallow not quite bare-a-tit-fest - there’s a welcome change of scene and mood and we are transported to Red’s hideout where Nicholetta takes a well-earned break from baring skin for her art… and instead we can witness some writhing buttock-fondling semi-dressed mexi-peasant girl who’ll do it instead.

Obviously as bored as I am with the cleavage-popping sex-interest in this otherwise pointless spaghetti outing, Nicholetta turns up to campaign for her newly found standards and feminist sensibilities against these sexist shenanigans, and puts a stop to somebody equally gorgeous stealing the limelight. In fact, she arrives fully shirted - and in this case does NOT attempt to barely contain her love-puppies from popping out. But unfortunately for Red, he hasn’t realised this dramatic turnabout of events, and thinking he’s still in the earlier version of the film he starts to lick where her cleavage would previously have been on show.
But it’s all a trick! He hasn’t, and we can’t have failed to, noticed her camel-toe-skintight pants, and for this sin he gets bottled about the bonce. Then Garter Colt rescues somebody I no longer care about and steals the rifles and gold(?) and we have some vain attempt to get back to some sort of plot.

Still in no-cleavage mode - so we still know dramatic is where we are aiming at - Garter Colt/Lulu/Nicholetta shags what’s his name (who’s now of course doomed to cop it) and decides to give up wandering, philandering, gambling and hanging out with dwarfs, to lay in bed by loverboy’s side forever… whilst everybody else prepares to throw down their life to stop Red from massacring all the townspeople (unfortunately he’s since forgotten that they’ve got all the guns now!)

Now, I’d like to say the big epic final big shootout was worth the wait…. BUT – unfortunately I got to watch (unlike Phil) the English-subbed version that does exist. The dialogue at one point went along these lines*… one of the useless (but pretty) twins and scantilly-clad barroom dancers (I forgot to mention them) hands a fellah her lipstick (in the midst of battle) instead of bullets. “But this is a lipstick” he says (she smiles) “Oh well, let’s have a snog instead” [size=8pt](*this might not be the exact dialogue)[/size]. Luckily for him, the newly-attired rifle boys in town win the battle (well, they’ve got the rifles after all)… and Red and his one remaing mate retreat/run away.

So - all we need now is to tie up the loose ends… so hows about the escaping Red stops escaping to (please don’t read this)… place Freckles on a swing, built over a lime-pit, with a real child (not a midget), in a noose on her shoulders, whilst he rummages up her skirt with a scythe - and torments her with her fire-stick in an romantic gesture to win her back!!!

What the fuck! :stuck_out_tongue: – They can all die now for all I care….
Now, I really don’t wanna ruin it for you, so I’ll magnanimously say no more about it - who lives, who dies. Needless to say, I only finished watching this so I could enjoy this lonely rant that I hope you haven’t read.

This (despite the flesh) is probably the worst spaghetti I’ve seen to date, although I gotta say it was lovely flesh, and a lovely print of it. Unfortunately (unlike others who’ve been spared on this thread) I was able to understand it - due to whoever (God bless ‘em) put on the subs. Without these it might have appeared just an enigmatically weird spag.
I’m now praying for less cleavage, and for some lovely fake cacti in my next spag.

So - my considered opinion - utter shit. :stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue:
But - Please forget all you’ve read tonight, it was just a bad dream. I didn’t mean it. I made it all up.
Somebody tell us the truth!

Is there a no star status? :wink:

Nice read Reverend :smiley: .

Expected this one to be a bit better myself.

Garters, cleavage, decolletage, lovely flesh?

I don’t believe you, Reverend. Screenshots please. The proof of the pudding is in watching it.
(And no ginger hair and overweight Mexi’s, please)

So, there is finally subtitles available! Been waiting them for a while.

Never mind the subtitles, but this is definitely the kind of crap I want to see with my own eyes

For a while now, forgot to mention.

Haven’t gotten around to Giarrettiera Colt yet, I’m kind of afraid

For Nicoletta? Come on!

No need to be. Just do not expect anything and you may like some of it more than a couple of bits here and there :smiley: .

I suspect there may be a couple of bits in particular that I like more than the rest :wink:

Thank God for that, I was hoping it wasn’t you that had subbed it. :wink:

… she who bitchily says at some point in the film to insult another woman that she “dressed badly like a Belgian”.
Now you can’t support that sort of behaviour Scherpy, what with your maternal line being of that camp! ;D

Ha, ha indeed :wink:

Hmmm!..How many white russian drinks do i need before i commit myself to watch this so called crap?